Out Of My Head
by Poetic Pixie
Summary: In which James goes crazy, Lily becomes worried about him, Severus dates a mudblood and Remus isn't much help to anyone. LS, LJ, RS


She really is pretty, for a mudblood anyway. He tells her this and she just smiles in her hidden sort of way before reaching for more beetles to crush. He just rolls his eyes and almost cuts himself instead of the roots because he's too busy studying her out of the corner of his eye.

And they try so hard to miss the other's glance while always checking to see if the other is still really there. And they're so busy watching each other they both miss a pair of brown eyes watching them.

* * *

James is just paranoid, that's what they all tell him. 

Of course Sirius, Remus and Peter know better but it really doesn't help the poor man if they agree with him that the girl he's loved since end of third year is obviously in severe like with her greasy haired Slytherin of a potions partner.

But it's best not to dwell on that, seeing that Lily will see reason in the end. Sirius assures James that if he, or any other being on this world, had to choose between James Potter and Severus Snape it's quite obvious the outcome.

But James has heard too many times from Lily the kind of company she prefers over his. And this company includes, but is certainly not limited to: a Hungarian Horntail and her newly hatched babies, a horde of Dementors, two dozen boggarts and Slughorn with only a box of low-fat chocolate to tide him over.

Lily can be needlessly cruel sometimes.

It's also hard to ignore the fact that James' fellow Marauders keep looking at him with a mixture of pity and concern as he starts off with his latest rant about the Snivellus, Lily and red hair. To everyone else Lily and Snape seem to tolerate each other only when in Potions as their collective intelligence continues to impress Slughorn.

James thinks that he's crazy as well but he likes to think that all people are fools when in love. But is doesn't keep Remus from every so often musing aloud about the thin line between harmless stalking to full-blown obsession and paranoia.

Sirius is a bit more direct. "James, you know we love you in a purely platonic way of course, but, don't you think you're going a bit overboard?"

"How so?"

"Well for one thing, you're not even looking at me. Another, James, you've been looking at the girl for half an hour. After ten minutes you're usually sighing about how congruent her eyebrows are and how they complement her elegant forehead or some rubbish like that. You know how many times you've blinked? Twice! That averages to once every sixteen minutes…"

"Fifteen." Remus' eyes don't even leave the book.

"Fifteen then. I'm starting to understand why Helen threw her cold pumpkin juice at you last Halloween while calling you a stalker that needed a straightjacket. Prongs, this isn't healthy…"

"You know what isn't healthy? Her running around with that… that Slytherin! He's evil! And he's called her a mudblood too many times before and god only knows how many times he's Crucioed someone. I mean… what's he got that I haven't?"

"At least he didn't try to cut off a curl of Lily's hair when he caught her asleep in the common room! James, you have to admit, you're little obsession with Lily would have sent a weaker girl running to McGonagall. I think she tolerates you because the last time she reported your… perusal of her fair hand you failed to catch the Snitch all of eleven times before losing spectacularly to the Slytherin seeker when the Snitch was only four feet away from you." Remus has a very practical look in the world, one that has often earned him glares such as the one that is being directed at him right now.

"Fine! I see, for all I know she's going out with one of you and you're just enjoying the fact that my anger is directed at Snivellus instead of at you!"

"James, there are many things we would do just to see your face turn that purple. But what you're talking about is high treason." Peter is extremely loyal about things like that.

"Buck up mate. There are worse things in life." Sirius can say this in all confidence as he has never really had trouble getting or keeping a girl's attention.

"Yes, Lily and Snape are probably working on some extra project for Potions. You know how Slughorn is, if Snape wanted to do a project he'd have to do it with his partner and-"

"Wait, 'do it with his partner' oh dear god Remus. Do you want to kill me?" James face goes from plum to grey in an alarmingly short amount of time.

"Of course not, if I wanted to kill you it would involve some kind of untraceable poison put in your pumpkin juice at dinner. There would be no antidote and you'd spend your last three days in unimaginable pain, akin to the heartache you're feeling right now. Besides, it's not my fault you see sexual euphemisms everywhere."

"'Sexual euphemisms'?" Sirius snorts in a very dog-like way. "God forbid you say something as racy as innuendo or anything of the sort."

"Innuendo is quite risqué thank you very much. There is a certain intelligence quota that this group is expected to meet. If I don't fill it who will?"

"Peter and I! Lovesick fools don't have the time, right James? And don't think I don't notice those looks you shoot Narcissa, my oh so snobbish cousin."

"All your cousin's are snobbish and besides, Narcissa is… an acquaintance." Remus goes very red, but not exactly for the reason that Sirius seems to think he is.

"Ha! I knew it! At this rate I'll be the only swinging bachelor here. But I have Peter here for company."

Peter doesn't respond as he's too distracted by that nice brunette that has just entered the common room.

"You're all traitors."

"Can we get back to the important thing here? Me and my spluttering love life?"

"You're love life's always been spluttering, Lily getting a new lover isn't going to change anything." Remus slides off the couch to avoid James's flailing arms as he tries to fight the grip of Sirius and Peter and beat the living daylights out of Remus.

"Moony! Now look what you've done, it's going to take ages to get him into his mourning, docile state. And that was a bit harsh besides, are you just hopeful that if our fair Lily is indeed going out with the greasy Slytherin that the very attractive Narcissa will set her sights from Snivellus to you?"

"Of course not, it came out wrong. James, we all know that Lily doesn't realize the feelings for you yet. Maybe going out with Snape will let her realize what a catch is waiting for her. But would you mind acting catch-like? Woman like a man that doesn't try to count their freckles after specifically saying that she didn't want you within fifteen feet of her ever again."

James seems to calm down and Peter and Sirius let go of him somewhat warily. Lily chooses that moment to enter the common room, James goes limp and watches her as she walks by him. Her skin is flushed and she has a silly sort of grin on her face that makes James seethe, his friends' attempts at calming him down are foiled when Lily giggles and says to her friend that she and Severus are working on a potion and nothing like _that_.

Lily, it seems, is a horrible liar.

* * *

They meet on prefect duty, not entirely by accident but not planned enough for her not to blush slightly when she catches him at the other end of the hallway. He walks to her slowly and as horribly awkward about this as she is. He reaches for her hand almost shyly and his hands are cold. 

She smiles up at him and he tells her that he's going to ruin the moment now by saying that her hair is much too frizzy or something of equally unromantic value. Her laugher echoes down the hallway and he smiles at being able to make this wisp of a girl laugh.

* * *

Lily hums more now, James realizes that even though he's trying his hardest not to observe her with his original intensity. She can't seem to keep a tune but she still does it because she's happy and James tries his hardest not to begrudge her for it. But he can be a very petty person. 

In Potions even Sirius has to admit that maybe Lily and Snape were sitting just a _bit_ closer than normal. Slughorn is impressed with the fineness of the powder that James seems to make. It apparently makes the potions more potent.

Lily and Snape's potions take slightly longer to make nowadays. Their hands seems to always be brushing against the other's, their usually seamless movements of cutting and crushing and carefully avoiding each other seem to have been lost recently. They both reach to stir the cauldron at the same time, Snape's fingers lingering on Lily's before withdrawing somewhat reluctantly.

They spend longer on their Potions homework as well, the unspoken agreement between the two that they've had since first year has been broken. They no longer tolerate each other to steal from the other's intelligence. Although they both admit that somewhere along third year they had talked about other things than the necessity of always measuring the exact amount of wormwood essence for a potion.

They knew things about each other on instinct, they didn't become best friends but they did become close ones. For their allotted time they talked while pouring over their books and Lily laughed at Severus while me merely smiled. She didn't realize that she was breaking James' heart, if she had she might have been even more discreet. No matter how much James had annoyed her she still couldn't help but feel sorry for him.

Severus however, takes a secret joy in knowing that he has for once beaten James. But then is horrified to find out that in the end he couldn't care less. The girl is corrupting him and try as he might to stop their relationship he can't quite incorporate the feeling he gets when he's with her into his plans. And so they still meet at night and he still vandalizes her potions book with bits of commentary that make her green eyes shine as she tries to suppress her laughter.

* * *

James is going crazy. There's no doubt about that. He doesn't stray from three emotions these days, anger, melancholy or a strange mix of both. Peter is the only one that tries to cheer him up, Remus and Sirius have given up in frustration. But Peter doesn't give up, at least, not until something or someone else distracts him. 

But James has, at least, stopped following Lily for fear of finding her with a half-naked Snape in some abandoned classroom. Sirius' musing that at least James will get to see Lily half-naked as well only makes things worse.

Lily however doesn't seem to notice James, no matter how discreet she tries to be about her love affair rumours still buzz everywhere. But she and Snape are good enough at hiding it, nothing can be proved beyond speculation. Lily is an extremely private person and doesn't mind having to be a secret as much as her friends say she should. In her own way she seems to prefer it, she can still feel James' puppy dog eyes on her back every now and then and the level of wretchedness that radiates off of him makes her feel vaguely guilty.

Remus is too busy making puppy eyes of his own at someone he shouldn't be making puppy eyes to and so he isn't much help either way.

* * *

Their little fights are longer now, the squabbles that they've always had take longer than their usual fifteen seconds. Their kisses are longer too, as the world around them goes more tense and uncertain, as rumours flit from both common rooms they ease their anxiety with each other. There are so many things that contradict each other that the only thing one can believe is the rumour that tells the worst tale. 

She longs to talk and so does he. And they do, talk, they talk about everything but the things that are making everything so goddamned edgy because they can't admit it to themselves much less each other. But they let themselves forget about everything with each other and she enjoys this. This ability to forget and to laugh and ignore the whispers of deaths and cover-ups.

She suspects that he enjoys it more for it is in his house were the whispers are loudest.

* * *

He doesn't care so much about people knowing about him and her and them as much anymore. The prospect of war and dying and all those other thing that he tries not to think about, it's all made him a bit reckless. And in his own way he rebels over what he knows he will have to do in the end. It's the one thing that he will lie about should she ask him about it. He doesn't want her to be scared to disappointed, but it's all been blown out of proportion anyway. The deaths aren't all real, just something to keep the public from seeing what it really happening. 

He just wants them to be free of having to hide, He just wants to have some level of normalcy and he wonders if this is too much to ask. It's amazing how different normal can be, she tells him about what is normal in the muggle world. He doesn't believe that such things can be normal.

But he wants to do something abnormal and so he asks her to walk with him, around the lake where someone might see. She says yes in a whisper that holds back her question. And when their fingers brush against each other he doesn't pull back but hold on, he's unsure how to do this in the light and so she doesn't say anything but smile to herself at the familiarly of his cool hands.

Any kind of intimacy is something they both crave and they give it to each other in order to get it back. This coexistence of reassurance reassures them all the more.

* * *

James' anger has tapered off, he's mellowed into a resigned acceptance that breaks the heart of all that know him. And while Lily has always avoided him like the plague she too notices, though she doesn't think that she has that kind of influence on him. Thinking that he's worried about the news of death and torture and corruption. 

And he is, he's scared like the rest but Hogwarts in impenetrable and so as long as he's here he's safe. And with him safe he still wonders about Lily, he's stubborn about these things and he wonders what she sees in Snape. He supposes that he must have some good qualities, if Lily was going to date an unagreeable type of boy why couldn't she have just picked James?

But he has tried to forget her, he's gone out with a few girls. But really, after the last one left him halfway during their date with someone else because he was too busy watching Lily and Snape, and him not _noticing_ she'd left until he suddenly turned and realized that he was talking to thing air, well, he decided to hold off dating for a while.

"Cheer up James, love is over rated after all." Remus, who's been sulking the last few days for reasons unknown, is disgustingly cheery.

"Says the man that's in love with the human icicle." Though they'd been teasing Remus for liking Narcissa since fourth year, although Moony's lack of transparency on the subject proves that he doesn't feel much for the pale girl.

Remus chooses to ignore this remark at any rate, he has denied it so often that his usual responses seem so overused on his tongue. "Lily might end up marrying Snape and having his greasy haired children but you'll find someone else. Someone blonde and shapely and all those other things you young men like in a woman." Remus is not a one of those young men but only he knows exactly why.

"Well my asexual friend, tell me where I might find such a woman."

"'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder', I often wonder what would happen if the beheld doesn't like to be considered beautiful." Remus is very abstract in his replies sometimes. He does get to the point eventually. "Did you know that the Hufflepuff girls don't bother with makeup? Nothing at all when they leave the common room except for a scrubbed face. And those robes they wear, cover up everything and make them look shapeless. There's a _reason_ why the Hufflepuff boys are so happy you know."

"I've dated Hufflepuffs, so has Sirius and Peter once I think. They're an acquired taste I suppose although Sirius seems to like them. That one girl in fifth year, Linda, apparently has some _very_ interesting tricks she can do with her tongue…"

"I really don't need the details James." Remus has reverted back to being annoyed. James, who is a filthy hypocrite, doesn't like these sudden mood swings.

"Right. Moony, is it your time of the month?" No one outside of the Marauders understands the apparent hilarity or the joke, nor do they comprehend why Remus gets so antsy about it.

"You know very well the answer to that question." There would have been more but Lily has just walked in, her face is flushed and smiling and before Remus can mutter something about the snow outside and how it relates to how Lily looks at the moment James is off to the dormitories.

Remus debates over whether to go after him or not when Lily quietly takes his vacated seat. "Is James sick? He hasn't been eating lately. He looks so pale whenever I see him and he always seems to go up to bed early." She looks at the dormitory stairs with concern, the slump of her spine and the way she bites her lips announces that she knows on some level at least that James is lovesick.

"So now you decide to observe our love stricken friend? Lily, you have horrible timing. You know perfectly well why he's acting like this, you don't have to be cruel by acting like you don't know that you're the cause of all this." Remus shakes his head and is about to lecture her some more when he catches the forlorn look in Lily's eye.

"Just don't Remus. James has always been so… forward about asking me out. I always thought that it was just because I would tell him no and he had something to prove. I thought it was some dare that you or Sirius or Peter had made him do." Lily doesn't take her eyes off the dormitory stairs and Remus feels sorry for her in spite of himself.

"He does like you, it's dangerously close to loving you I think. But he refrains from doing so because if you keep this thing with Snape up his heart won't break into quite as many pieces."

"Severus told me that James loved me too. Said that I should go out with James instead of him because James wouldn't ever be in danger of breaking my heart. He said it like he didn't really care, better get the warning out of the way so that when he does do the deed I can't say he didn't warned me or anything like that." She smiles sadly at this, not realizing whom she's talking to, her eyes still on the stairs. "Silly boy thinks that I like him enough for him to break my heart."

"Well, you obviously like him enough so that your eyes can go so glassy when you talk about it." Remus sighs, he isn't good at this. "And he obviously likes you enough since he gave you a warning. Lily, look at me. If you really do like Snape, god help me for this treachery against James, Lily, if you loved that greasy bastard wouldn't that account for more than the guilt you're feeling abut James?"

Lily doesn't respond because she's not sure of the answer. Severus has been dropping hints constantly, that one day he'll have to choose between Hogwarts and Voldemort and Lily knows what his choice will be. But instead of them drifting away like they should they come closer together. She likes to think¸ to hope, that Severus will choose to stay with her.

She likes to think and hope that Severus will at least wish he could stay with her.

"Remus, I can't. I mean, I just don't know…I have to go." Remus holds her arm as she leaves, their eyes meet for a second and she somehow thinks that he understands. He watches her run up the stairs and there's a voice behind him.

"If I didn't know any better, and I'm not saying I don't, one might think that you've moved from Narcissa to our Lily." Sirius sits next to Remus but can't quite seem to catch his friend's eye.

"You always have theories on my love life or lack thereof, James has just decided that I'm asexual, you should to. Be easier on me to deny that I like whatever new girl you've come up with." The selection of his next book appears to hold more interest to Remus at this point and so he doesn't catch the look on Sirius' face.

"So you have no interest in copulation with a fine specimen of the female gender and having that eventually result in you having a few mini-Monnys running amok?"

"No, I do not actually. As shocking as that might seem. Haven't we had this conversation before?" Hearing the joke in Sirius' voice Remus makes the mistake of looking up.

"So you have no interest in copulating in general or just with fine specimens of the female gender?"

"The… the second option I suppose."

"Would that mean your prefer not-so-fine specimens or none of that particular variety of human being." Remus is not sure how to respond, but he's not a Gryffindor for nothing he supposes and he uses the foolishness that his house breeds to answer as truthfully as possible.

"The second choice again. Now ask me about my favourite brand of muggle chocolate and see if it still works." Sirius makes the tiniest of movements, an involuntary twitch that Remus barely catches.

"I have another question that's not quite multiple choice. More of a short answer type of query. What particular variety of human being interests you and how would you select among them?" Sirius seems to choose his words carefully and Remus can barely hear him.

"There's no screening process I suppose. I like girls, I really do, it's just that one particular member of the male gender is just so bloody interesting and it's just so hard to… to do anything about it. Because past all that rubbish that boys aren't supposed to like other boys, there's the fact that this boy might not like me." Remus is far too caught up in the shadowed look in Sirius's eyes to wonder if he's said too much.

"Well, I think that any boy would be a fool not to realise how bloody interesting you are. Whether they like blokes or no." Had Remus been in a normal state of mind he could have realized the subtle redness that blossomed under Sirius's cheeks.

"While I thank you for your defence of me the boy in question is most assuredly not interested."

"What's he like? We never could fight with Lily for breaking James's heart, what with her being a girl and somewhat sweet and all that rot. But with this bloke me and Prongs and Wormtail should have no trouble breaking a head or two." Sirius's voice is deceptively light and though Remus notices this he lets hope win over and so he starts talking, making note of Sirius's reactions in his mind.

"Well, he's in our year, tall, dark and handsome I suppose." The tremor that he missed earlier was there again, this time Remus saw it. "He's smart, talented and all that rot. He's also a right pain in the arse and can't seem to shut up at times." There's a look of mild annoyance and something else lining Sirius's face. "But there's something about him, he's fiercely loyal and stupid and brave and would do anything for his friends. He's like a big puppy." Remus takes a breath, Sirius's eyebrows move a fraction of an inch before settling back down, his fingers jerk as if to reach out but they stay in place. With his foot firmly in his mouth Remus continues.

"He's like a puppy, always jumping up and down to please you and to make sure that you still love them. Tries to act like he can protect his friends from everything and doesn't like to admit that he's horribly insecure about somethings like the rest of us lowly humans. He flies so high that the odd times he crashes there's further for him to fall." Remus frowns, the tension in the school is worse for Sirius. The hisses of his betrayal that have died down since his entry into Gryfindor are heard again and while he pretends to be indifferent he is affected at seeing his family and childhood friends sneer down at him.

"Well, sometimes there are people that need to be protected. Gods above Remus, just before and after the moon you're sometimes as weak as a kitten and not half as adorable. _Someone_ has to make sure that you don't fall down a flight of three stairs." Sirius's voice rises just the slightest and Remus's eye smile at his concern.

"I'm perfectly capable of not walking off the edge of a cliff, I did survive without you for six years." Sirius doesn't like to be reminded that there are a people that can live without him, he doesn't like to be dispensable. And something about his little anxieties makes Remus do something incredibly foolish. His hand moves out of it's own accord and holds onto Sirius's counterpart forcing the dark-haired boy to look up.

"But I suppose that I do get along better with you here, we all do." And then in front of God and the entire Gryfindor common room Remus's foolishness takes a firm hold and he kisses Sirius.

And the world then becomes perfect as Sirius kisses him back.

* * *

James is happy for his friends. After the initial shock of finding out they were poufters and were being so together. He supposed that they were cute and sweet and all that other jargon that girls used. Peter, whose observation skills aren't in the best of order, is unsurprised by this development and doesn't bat an eye as Sirius and Remus sneak out for a 'walk' 

James decides then and there to stop being lovesick and to start acting more like a man. He can't help but notice Lily but he learns to ignore it, firmly rooting her out of his mind while he focuses on school, his friends and the holy Map, which is almost ready for proper use.

True Lily does sneak into his mind at odd times but he doesn't suffer any relapses and is happier for it.

And yet fate is a curious little thing, while James gets happier Lily only gets sadder. And that is something that James can't help but notice.

* * *

Potions class is more on edge than usual, the Gryfindors glowering at the Slytherins with more venom than usual. The Slytherins glare with just as much conviction. And at the back of the class Lily and Severus don't talk at all, the disgruntled mutterings and whispered accusations somehow fly past Slughorn, who perhaps is too worried to take sides. 

It breaks her heart to see him so distant and alone while the condition of his heart remains largely hidden out of necessity. And when they do break it off it's with little fanfare, a hug and a stolen kiss before he walks away, leaving her alone on the grounds. She watches his back for a while, his eternal hunch and quick, jerky steps, before quietly walking into the opposite direction. She eventually finds her way to her bed and cries for having lost something more than just a boyfriend.

* * *

Peter finds out first, he tells Sirius and Remus and the three wonder if they should tell James or let him find out for himself. Either way isn't safe for his health in equal amounts but the threat to their own health at his hands differs quite a bit. Of course in the end their loyalty wins out and they wait until he comes down. 

"Prongs, we have some good news."

"Is Remus pregnant? I didn't expect it for a few more months but you crazy kids are just so in love I suppose it's alright. Who gets to be godfather, I believe that Peter had claim to Sirius's firstborn while mine lay on Remus's. This does complicate things though doesn't it?"

Sirius doesn't know if this will make James better or worse, he will no doubt start obsessing over Lily again but hopefully it will have toned down. And Snape might be the recipient of quite a few potions that alter his hair colour but that is to be expected. "Lily and Snape have seemed to severed all ties. Regulus seems to be quite smug about the whole thing, would have called Lily a mudblood but he saw me there and kept his filthy mouth shut."

James's face closes in, he frowns and then looks across the common room. Lily is talking with her friends, she smiles and laughs but she seems a bit pale. Or maybe it's just the light? He can't tell, "Well, that's a good thing. Snivellus can't be a good choice of boyfriend for anyone, certainly not Lily. Now did she initiate the breaking of ties or did he?" James is formulating a plan as they speak, Sirius can hear the cogs turn.

"We're not sure. Seems to be a mutual agreement, Remus heard Helen say that Lily had 'a good cry' over it but now she seems ok." Peter feels like he's reporting to a general and so he stops. However James doesn't need any more information.

"Well, is she's happy then I guess that we should… I should be happy too. And I am, I really am." He's trying to convince himself, he knows it and he's not doing a very good job of it either. He sighs and sinks into the couch beside Remus, who is reading with Sirius dozing on his lap.

Remus absentmindedly starts playing with Sirius's hair as he reads, it's a disconcerting habit he's developed. And even more disconcerting is that fact that Sirius doesn't seem to mind at all.

Lily gets up and leaves the common room then, James can't help but note that her shoulders are slightly slumped, her hands grip her books too tightly and her feet drag. He catches her eye and she manages a smile for him but it seems like such an effort for her that he can't help but frown in return. As if knowing the cause of his disapproval she turns quickly turns away and rushes out of the portrait hole.

After a moment of indecision he runs out, her red hair turns the corner and he follows it. Her steps are weighed but quick and he wishes he had thought to bring his invisibility cloak, years of following Lily have made him quite good at it and he's aided by her preoccupation.

She starts towards the library but ducks behind a statue of St. Peter the Pompous; Snape then walks by quickly, his feet echoing down the hall long after he turns a corner. James waits for her to come out from her hiding place but she doesn't, after a few minutes he slowly goes to see her. He finds her staring straight ahead, not crying but not smiling either.

"Lily? Oh gods, Lily, stand up. Are you going to cry? I can't handle girls when they cry, do you want me to get one of your friends maybe? Or…"

"James, as much as I enjoy your various attempts to stalk me over the years I just don't feel up to threatening to hex you and then having to follow through with it. Just leave me for a week or two and then you can resume following me and the like. I just can't handle you and everything else right now." Her voice quavers and he hates that she won't let herself cry.

"Lily, I can't leave you like this. It wouldn't be right, let me take you to the common room? You're friends'll make you feel better even if I can't." He holds out his hand but she doesn't take it.

"James, I can't go back. My friend will not understand why I'm moping over Severus Snape of all people." She tries to spit his name out but instead her lips caress the name as it spills out. "They'll say that there's plenty of other guys out there, guys that are better than Snape. They see him as someone to be laughed at."

"I'm not the best person to be talking to about this. I don't think I will ever understand what drove you to like Snape but I can try to accept that he has some mystique that I don't. I can try to help you and should you ever ask I would inflict the same pain that he did emotionally to you physically to him. And while I'm not saying that hurting you emotionally is somehow not as important but he never did hurt you physically right? Because if the did he will never be found again." James's voice is quite clear about that.

"No! He would _never_ do that do anyone, ever." The certainty with which she says this makes James all the sadder, he does not want to witness this kind of loyalty.

"Lily, get up. You can't stay here. Come on, I'll get you some chocolate from the kitchens. Or I'll go sneak out to Honeydukes and get whatever it is that make you women feel better. Just…" He sounds so desperate to make her feel better that she can't help but smile. She stands up and overestimates the space between James and the wall and because of this she's suddenly much too close to his chest and his face and his lips.

And being the horrible boy that he is he takes advantage of this and kisses her and in her confusion she kisses him as well. He wraps his arms around her and in that golden moment she forgets about everything but this wonderful feeling of kissing James Potter. But then the world comes crashing back down as she remembers another dark haired boy who she used to kiss so she has to pull away.

"James, I… I'm so sorry." She waits for him to leave, for if he is nothing else James is somewhat of a gentlemen. But even as he reclaims his arms she knows that he is not moving anywhere.

"Lily, in all the times that I've known you. That I've liked you and loved you I've never cornered you for a kiss. I've never taken one or stolen one and now you just gave me one. And I do not want to wait for another one, so you decide right now if I'm ever getting another kiss. And I understand that you just broke up with Snivellus and… dammit Lily why do you have to make everything do damned _difficult_?

"If you tell me to go I'll leave, I won't ever send you those stupid poems that I find in Remus's books and I won't try and impress you with some new spell I discovered. I just _need_ to know. Will I ever get to… to do that again?" He says this all in a rush, the closeness of her and of knowing that they might never be like this again is far too much for his brain to take notice of. If it does he might just have to shut down.

Lily closes her eyes and he feels each soft, pale lash on his cheek. "James… I need more time. No matter how stupid you are I know that you mean what you say. I know it's not nice to ask you to wait but I just…" Her eyes open now, she looks up at him with her beautiful green eyes. "I need more time. I didn't love Severus, we didn't let each other fall in love. But I could have and I just have to try to get over him. It's not fair to you if I just say yes. I don't want you to be my rebound."

He seems stunned, she's sure if it's because she said yes or because she said maybe. Not wanting to find out she slips out from between him and the wall. On impulse she kisses his cheek and hurries off, a childish grin on her lips. James's fingers graze his cheek and he goes to the common room to gloat, glower and fret.

They both have missed a pair of black eyes that were watching them, nor does Lily hear the whispered goodbye before the speaker slips away.


End file.
